Signs of Civilization

There are lots of things I love about living in Puerto Vallarta but of course, there are lots of things I miss from home too. Mega has reached a new pinnacle of civilized in my eyes when I went there the other day and found Coffeemate Flavored creamers in the dairy section. I personally don’t usually use them, except for the rare occasions I have coffee in the afternoon or evening (mostly when it’s cold outside), but it’s one step closer to finding 1/2 & 1/2 in the supermarket and not having to run around to specialty stores hoping they have some.

Other exciting finds at Mega (which is far superior to Soriana, IMO), multiple kinds of peanut butter and  jars of pickles (sweet and dill). They also have some kick-ass giant beach towels for $8 that aren’t the lame striped ones they use at hotels and sell for $15 at Costco.

Meanwhile, Pitillal is having some sort of water problem as the streets downtown were filled with running gray water (wah wah, I’m thinking you, poor zona romanticans).

I had to go to that part of town yesterday because it’s where the only person I trust with my hair works. Since I was down there anyway, I got a massage at Lily’s (across from Brasil) that was excellent. Their massage rooms are so cute. Afterwards, I went to Mami’s in Plaza Romy for some Asian food. I got the Vietnamese rolls which were very good but needed to be rolled tighter and some chicken teriyaki. Delicious. I was sad that they were out of potstickers though, since that was the real reason I went. I used to get these awesome ones from Trader Joe’s and I miss them. I managed to become quite adept at making my own potsticker dipping sauce.

The weather has been exceptionally pleasant lately and it’s only a month until it really gets great. Whitey is coming back soon though so I’m not looking forward to the lines at the ATMs (Goddammit Martha! All I’m getting from this stupid machine is this wacky Mexican money!) and the restaurants (Hey Jorge, how do you say hamburger in Mexican? Ha HA!) and of course, clogging up the roads with their piss poor driving and penchant for leaping in front of cars because they somehow think that America’s right-of-way laws trump the laws of physics.

Welcome back whitey.

Looking for white mexicans…

http://pv.en.craigslist.com.mx/m4w/831673242.html

I don’t even know what that means…like albinos?

It really IS hotter in September

Thinking back on last summer, I thought that it only seemed hotter because I was so tired of constantly being hot and sweaty over the summer, but today I realized that it actually IS hotter here in September, if that is at all possible. About 30 more days to go…

I was delighted to find PICKLES at Soriana the other day. I am hoarding glass jars so that I can make my own later in the year. A good pickle is so hard to find here.

Casa del Waffles has been reported to be packed to the gills on Francisco Villa. I may have to make a trip next week and see what all the fuss is about.

There’s a new magazine coming out just for Mexico expats in Oct.

Mexico suspended its export of meat to the US until they can supposedly meet America’s cleanliness standards in their processing plants. You know, because American never has any safety or health violations. The truth is that I have NEVER been sick in Mexico (knock on wood). I find the meat (providing you buy it from a good source and not out of someone’s pick-up truck) better than anything I’ve bought in the US. It seems leaner, fresher, and less artificially preserved. Maybe that’s why the US doesn’t want it?

What the Hell is going on up there?

Thank you, America, for so clearly reminding me WHY I left in the first place. I’m speechless (obviously not literally) about the last week’s events in the US.

Police stormed and raided peaceful activists homes before the RNC, confiscating computers and video equipment.

Roughed up and arrested journalists and photographers who were peacefully covering the protests.

Nominated a VP candidate who is pro book banning and under investigation for ethics violations AND who has a knocked-up teenage daughter. This alone is proof that the Republicans have smoking a little too much of that crack cocaine the government has been importing.

The plane that crashed in the Yucatan filled with said cocaine has been proven to have ties to both the CIA and the Bush administration.

All of this after mounting evidence that Bush completely manipulated the public and the media to support his own agenda for the Iraq war.

And now…NOW…they are arresting 70 year old + NUNS for protesting! NUNS! Is there no stop to this madness?

Some days, particularly days like today where it’s hotter than hell, I dream of summering in Lake Tahoe but the truth is, I’m not coming back to the US. Not until the people take the government back and roll back some of the fascist ‘homeland security’ activities. I feel sad for America.

ATMs, driving and Plaza Peninsula

I had a meeting at my home away from home, Plaza Peninsula today. Why is their parking lot so dark all the time? Are they keeping vampires in there or what? Whenever I descend the ramp into total darkness, there isn’t enough ambient light for my eyes to adjust and I almost always run over the curb. And the parking spaces? Do they think everyone is riding bicycles? Please, Vallarta, make your parking spaces large enough for whole cars.

I love Plaza Peninsula, not because of the glut of touristy businesses (Starbuck’s, Chili’s, Hooters, et al) but because it has FREE PARKING and lots of it. I love free parking even if it is in a pitch black vampire crypt. If I counted all the hours I spend driving around looking for parking spot in Vallarta, I would go even crazier than I am now.

While I was there, I went to the bank, Banamex, the only bank in Mexico that doesn’t blow. They have nice chairs for waiting customers, air conditioning and the one in PP is almost always empty. What annoys me not just about Banamex’s ATMs but all Mexican ATMs is their need to advertise and beg for money. First of all, I do not need to be reminded about some soccer game. I don’t care and the fact that I have to select the “okay, I read your stupid advertisement” button to continue my transaction makes me bitter. Second of all, if I wanted to donate to Beccas, I would. I do not need my ATM to shill for the biggest charity in PV, begging for my change like a wall-mounted homeless person.

I see that the Tribune has had a makeover, when exactly this happened, I don’t know because the Tribune isn’t available anywhere where I go. I probably only get to read every 3rd or 4th issue. It’s not at either of my two supermarkets (Soriana or Rizo’s Pitillal), it’s not at my bakery (Hackl), nor at Costco. There’s no newspaper boxes outside of their offices. If i want a Tribune, I have to go to the two places I am least likely to go to get one, Romantic Zone or the Marina. Today, although I’d never seen them there before, they were at Chili’s in PP. It never occurs to check their website and actually read it online like I do every other publication earth, because last time I checked, their website was in shambles. They can’t get the current issue up in a timely manner, if the website is up at all. If nothing else, I wish they had their letters section online or as I like to call it, “Tears of Hypocrites.” It’s nice to read when people have a good time or experience, or if they’ve eaten at a restaurant that was good. Unless that restaurant is Sirloin Stockade, in which case your opinion has an absolute value of zero to me.

Meridiano is the best paper in Puerto Vallarta, with their gruesome full color dead body covers. Does anyone know how I can get home delivery?

Around town…

First of all, WHY is there Christmas stuff up in AUGUST in Costco and Halloween stuff everywhere else? A little early for both, wouldn’t you say?

They repaved the road by the British American school. I know this because I almost missed my turn the other day. I was looking for the ravine I normally drive into. Speaking of which, every time I drive by the orange building that is next to the school, I wonder about the man in the box. Why is there an armed guard with a machine gun in a little box outside of this building? It’s very mysterious. I really want to take his picture but I do not want to get shot.

There’s a new OXXO open across the street from the existing OXXO in Francisco Villa. I love OXXO but I think its a little much.

Vallarta Tacos, which was closed for “renovations” only a few months after it opened in a brand new building has been reborn as Casa del Waffles. Say it in Spanish, WAFF-LESS.

Do you run an English language paper in Mexico?

Because if you do, I hate you.

Yes, I hate you.

Trying to find any of the following information for nearly any publication in Mexico is complete waste of time:

advertising rates

contact information

your website

It is a nightmare of epic proportions. First of all, those of you who do have a website that can actually be found through something other than herculean psychic efforts, enough with the flash already. Flash is bullshit. No one likes flash but you because you think it looks pretty. It does not help with your page rankings. It does not help people find your site and it sure as shit doesn’t help anyone USE your website. So stop it.

If I have to fill out a web form to contact you, I will purposefully hurt you physically if and when we ever meet. I will stomp on your toes and kick you in the shins. Give me your email address so I can politely email you from mine. Do not give me ZERO contact information – no names, no phone numbers, no email and then expect me to fill out your stupid, often times broken web form. I hate you i hate you i hate you.

Do not make me email, webform or otherwise, for basic information that should posted on your stupid website. I should be able to find out basic circulation or page hits and your rates for advertising without having to email you and wait 37 years for you to put down your crack pipe and email me back. This is WEBSITE 101 PEOPLE.

If you want money for advertising, do not make me jump through your stupid archaic dog and pony show hoops just to get basic INFORMATION. I would rather throw money out into the street than give it to you.

If you are an ENGLISH language paper in Mexico, why in God’s name would you post your advertising rates and other information in Spanish? Would it, and I’m reaching here, stand to reason that ENGLISH speaking people might be looking to advertise in your ENGLISH paper? How do you even get dressed in the morning? I mean, really. You should be ashamed of yourself.

/endrant

One more month to go

I haven’t been updating lately because I haven’t been doing anything “noteworthy.” Nothing has even bothered me enough to rant about. It’s just hot and there’s about one month left of summer before it starts to cool down and return to the perfect weather that I came here for.

Puerto Vallarta is on the most perfect latitude. Someday it will be time to leave this wonderland and I plan on making my next home on the same latitude somewhere else in the world. PV is at 20-30 N, and is it any coincidence that Mecca is ALSO at this latitude? Is it? I think not. But I don’t want to live in Mecca, I was just pointing that out.

I am also going to skip India, I think. I’d be happy to live in Asia somewhere. Brisbane AUS is close as is Sao Paulo, Brazil. Port au Prince Haiti? I’ve always wanted to go to Haiti, but I probably don’t want to live there. San Juan, Puerto Rico … more hot latin men, that’s a bonus. Who knows? I do know that within five years Puerto Vallarta will be someplace that I will not want to live.

There are more and more gabacho hives sprouting up on the beaches plus you have the bombed out looking, unfinished towers everywhere from failed hotel projects. Pretty soon you won’t be able to see the sunset unless you are in one of the hives (or perhaps the hive mind will beam the image to you). The traffic is already bad and once the hives are teeming, it will be even worse. Every beach will be like Los Muertos, packed with people. Not for me thanks, I like my beaches like I like my cold, black heart, empty. Speaking of Los Muertos, how in the hell does this beach get picked for the best beach time and time again? It’s jam packed with noisy people and vendors AND a great deal of the time, it’s contaminated with poo water. Gross. New t-shirt idea:

I went to Puerto Vallarta and all I got was this lousy e.coli infection.

I do have some trips planned over the next couple of weeks. Last weekend I went to Guadalajara and found the most awesome store for Day of the Dead stuff. Next weekend I hope to make it to a nearby archeological site and in a couple of weeks, I am absolutely going to Vulcan de Fuego, the Colima volcano that just so happens to be in Jalisco, not Colima. I love volcanoes and this one happens to be the most active in Mexico.

US Spends $51 million to fly Mexicans home

According to THIS STORY, the US is flying Mexicans home at a cost of $51 million a year. Does anyone else think this is a stupid waste of money? People are starving in America, children are living in rat infested hell holes and get third world disease and parasites, homelessness is increasing since so many people lost their houses this year and THIS is what the government is spending money on. Nice. Go team USA.

Meanwhile, Bordertown was finally released and is in theaters this week so get your ass in a seat at the theater and see it. Why? Because more than 400 women have been kidnapped and murdered in Juarez and no one gives a shit. By no one I mean the governments of either the US or Mexico. Serial killings or illegal organ smuggling? No one knows for sure but the bodies are STILL piling up so go support the movie and maybe you’ll get outraged long enough to put down your margarita (it is 10 in the morning after all), fold up your USA Today mcPaper and write a letter. Check out the Amnesty  International site here for more info.

To the people who are writing in to the Tribune, whining about the nasty smells in your precious Zona Romantica, have you ever been to any other cities in the world? San Francisco smells like a urinal. New York? Portapotty. Even Portland, Oregon smells like urine and garbage downtown. If you think the agua negra is relegated to just your special section of Puerto Vallarta, I’d like to point out that EVERY barrio has bubbling grey water coming up from the streets, water leaks, sewers running directly into the road. We’re in Mexico, people. Suck it up. Write your letters or whatever you feel you need to do but stop acting like it’s the holocaust because your Jimmy Choos get tainted with a little poo water. Wah, wah, the white people are facing health problems because of agua negra…how about starting in the barrios where the poor people are, you know, the ones that CAN’T AFFORD health care, if you care so much? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

In Support of the Mexican Hit Man

My good friend’s neighbor got whacked the day before yesterday. Most stories would end there, but it’s more titillating than that. She saw the hit man.

“When we pulled up, he turned to look at the house and lot across the street from us, like he was REALLY interested in it. Then he walked down the street and asked some guys about the street, cross streets, and houses. Then he shot the dude 6 times, and walked away.”

Unfortunately, the hit man decided to shoot the guy six times in front of a whole family who was there washing the victim’s car. BUT on the plus side, unlike gang shootings in the US, none of the family got whacked in the process. No stray bullets. No innocents getting shot because they were witnesses. Mexican hit men are all business, baby. You got to respect that. I mean, the hit man job has been around since the dawn of time, right? It’s not going anywhere. As long as we have more than one person on earth, we will have people who want to kill other people, some of them preferring to farm it out. SO, since the job has to exist, it’s nice to have professionals doing it and not the equivalent of Beavis & Butthead spraying bullets everywhere. That’s all I’m saying.

Oh and it’s a REAL bummer that the local paper of death (Meridiano) leaves the fantastically morbid, dead body front pages off of their website.